How shit at Twitter is Ed Miliband?

“Holocaust Memorial Day is a time to reflect on the horrors of the Holocaust and remember the victims of genocide @HolocaustUK”

This is an actual tweet today by Labour leader Ed Miliband, or at least it was attributed to him.

It seems inconsequential enough, so how am I going to write a blog post about such a non-event?

Well, because it’s so fucking bland; bland to the point where it’s offensive to the survivors of the atrocities. For the leading voice in left-wing UK politics to be communicating a message in such a useless way is so worrying, especially for left-wing people.

If there was a Wikipedia page for Holocaust Memorial Day (there probably is, but I have no reason to check), this would easily satisfy being the first line. Thanks Ed for telling us that Holocaust Memorial Day is exactly what the name suggests. Would you like to show any emotion about one of the most shameful events in human history? Nope? Okay then.

On this day in 1955 Alain Resnais released Nuit et Brouillard, one of the most moving pieces of film ever made, because he feared the disgraces of what happened were being forgotten. Fifty-eight years later, Ed Miliband weighs in with this. This.

I’ve officially put a million times more effort into this blog post about the tweet than he put into the original tweet.

In fairness to Ed, he took to his Mac or BB or whatever an hour later to tweet about the Australian Open final with the exact same amount of pathos as he put into his holocaust tweet, saying:

“Great achievement for Murray to reach the @AustralianOpen Final. Congratulations to Djokovic on his victory.”

I just want to know how anyone could vote for somebody with this little charisma, this little emotion and this much bore. Maybe I’m just gutted he’s not David.

Brushing your teeth on the toilet REVIEWED

It was a post-Tap Tuesday morning and hearing relatives were on their way to the house for lunch after just waking up had left with a need to shave valuable minutes off of my self un-stinking routine.

HORROR

Darn my clockwork body! As is usual for me in the morning, I needed to poo. On my short journey to the bathroom I grappled with the mammoth task at hand. Do I eradicate any of the essential tasks of pooing, teeth-brushing or showering, having already ousted shaving from my routine; or do I rush any of the above deeds and risk doing a shoddy job of all of them?

Then it hit me...combine them! I grabbed my toothbrush and placed myself on the throne.

All was going swimmingly. I brushed with a grin. I was already spending the three minutes I would save from my schedule. I almost set my alarm three minutes later.

...and then I hit the point of needing to concurrently spit and wipe. I won't go into details but I will say that it was an entirely awkward affair. Not only that, but when one reaches the point of needing to rinse their mouth out, they must first wash their hands with soap.

On reflection, I should have chosen to combine the shower and tooth-brushing tasks. How hindsight makes fools of us all.

I would give this idea 2 STARS OUT OF 5: doing this will save you perhaps a couple dozen seconds, but not enough time to really do anything else and you end up doing a poor job of each separate task.

NEXT WEEK: Brushing your teeth in the shower REVIEWED

Some words I wrote about HBO's Newsroom

Jeff Daniels is everywhere at the moment. One minute he's announcing the cancellation of Dumb and Dumber 2 (not to be confused with the wank tissue Dumber and Dumberer), the next he's throwing Blackberries at us  in Aaron Sorkin's fresh drama Newsroom.

The début received widespread criticism, and rightly so, but while I feel that the second instalment was certainly an improvement on its predecessor, there are still some kinks that need to be ironed out.

Unlike Sorkin's previous efforts (The West Wing, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and Sports Night) Newsroom is produced and shown on HBO in America and will be over here on HBO-UK, or its official name: Sky Atlantic. People who know me will probably have heard me blabber on before about how amazing a channel HBO is. Because of its non-basic cable nature, the channel can produce shows with as much nudity, violence and "MOTHER-FUCKERS!" as they like. So far, Newsroom hasn't used any nudity or violence, but the freedom on language has given rise to some great Sorkin dialogue ("You know when you hear something so astonishing that you just completely shut down? ...THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE FUCKING TIMES!").

The show does, however, fall into the pitfalls of previous Sorkin dramas like The West Wing's flirtation with a shmalzy, self-congratulating arrogance where montages and heroic speeches converge over uplifting strings and a piano riff while dropping an anvil on our faces with the words "AMERICA IS GREAT" printed on the bottom. The tune in Newsroom is slightly different, though. In this the motto is "AMERICA WAS GREAT, AND WE'RE GOING TO RETURN IT TO GLORY." Don't even get me started on the closing scene which was supposed to give us hope that Will (Jeff Daniels) isn't an 'ass' by showing us he can do nice things; all the while some pop-rock You Me At Six rip-off plays some uplifting guitars.

Being a journalist also puts me in a polarised position because I'm either going to love it (because it's what I do and I can clap at the TV like a seal saying 'har har har I do that!') or I'm going to hate it (because I can shout at the TV 'it's not like that at all!') On this basis, I hate it. It's pathetically naive and I'm not sure whether it's only naive to me because I know better, or whether everyone can see through it.

The West Wing also had the claim levelled at it that it was not non-partisan and, in fact, leaned to the left, showing Democrats in a fond light. It seems as though Sorkin has tried to reciprocate through this by making Will an affable Republican, but his liberal agenda seems to shine through.

The show naturally has a great script and a more than capable cast, but Jeff Daniels is the only outstanding reason to watch the show. Newsroom has its moments but its intelligent audience is alienated by its naivety and its common audience will switch off at the lack of humour or real drama.

Why The Avengers is shit

Before I start, I want to make one thing clear: I am not doing this to be controversial or to express my individuality by going against popular opinion. I'm doing this because I want Samuel L. Jackson to give me a follower boost on Twitter.

The first justification for my vitriol directed at Joss Whedon's abomination is the narrative-less hour and a half in the film where the superheroes take time out from figuring out what to do with the bad guy and turn their powers and giant egos to each other; allowing fans of the respective comics to share a duologue of:
"Superhero A totally kicked Superhero B's ass!"
"No way! Superhero B kicked Superhero A's ass!"
Ad infinitum.

It was to be expected. What wasn't expected was that the rest of the script would be fleshed out with something equally as shit. I thought the superhero movie audience would be split into a dichotomy of geeks who like comic books and knuckleheads who like explosions and tits. The bare bones of the narrative outside of the inter-quibbles seemed to cater only for the second group who can only understand a plot that centres around a MacGuffin.

This would be fine if the fleshy part of the narrative was any less vapid. Nothing was achieved in the dialogue between the heroes. Nothing was gained from Hulk and Thor flexing their muscles. Effectively, nothing happened. I'm not asking for a Dark Knight high-concept flick with Nietzsche references or what-have-you. I just wanted something a little more introverted and ambitious than two brands from the same company having a 'world-shattering' fight-to-end-all-fights only to finally settle upon a conclusion that they're both equally fab and groovy.

Joss also, somehow, managed to bring Scarlett Johannson on board with a script that presumably read:
"Black Widow, wearing lycra, looks at Hawkeye while wearing lycra. Wearing lycra, she cries and leaves the room still wearing lycra."
To have such a great acting talent in the cast and to put her in a role that Jodie Marsh could play is shameful.

The only thing that gets you through this mish-mash of vapidity and bravado is the fact that Joss has written some brilliantly funny dialogue for you to put up with 10 minute CGI set-pieces for.

Which leads me onto my final gripe: the firework display. November 5th is always shit because fireworks are shit. They're just pretty colours that are there. They do nothing. People, and more importantly marketers, caught onto this idea that fireworks have lost the power to amaze, so they made them electronically and put them in films. In 100 years time, screen-fireworks will too be shite and everybody will be playing with fireworks that you can virtually put up your arse or some shit.

What people never have - and never will - get tired of is a good, old-fashioned story. The ways we can tell a story have gotten varied and, arguably, better throughout time; but there's always a story. Fireworks don't have stories, they're just colours.

On this theory, CGI should complement the story, not be the story. I honestly can't say The Avengers wouldn't have been an entirely better film and wouldn't have left me half as bitter if it lopped off the 20 minute CGI New Yawn destruction sequence at the end and let me go home early with Robert Downey Jr,'s lines fresh in my mind.

I know I will be disagreed with by most, but I posit that time will vindicate me when this forgettable film is forgotten. Maybe I am just a pretentious blogger writing away my angst years behind a computer, but I can enjoy a good blockbuster just like the next guy- this, sadly, wasn't a good blockbuster.

Are you watching Homeland?

Much to my surprise, Homeland - the hit, sophisticated successor to 24, produced by Showtime - is pulling two million viewers six episodes into its first season in the UK. While the marketing was sleek; the narrative was explosive, hitting the ground running; and it was placed in the coveted Sunday night slot for big dramas and films...nobody seems to be talking about it.

The show's marketing, to me, seemed to be directed at exactly the demographic I'm slap bang in the middle of. From the brilliant grassroots dubstep track by Emika to the fast-paced exposition, this seemed like a conspiracy drama for an internet age hungry for conspiracy on their TVs.

Somehow, though, this fresh and bold campaign drew in all ranges of demographics with both the Guardian and the Telegraph having a series blog reviewing each episode as they're shown, which is more than can be said of Mad Men...

Maybe I'm just talking to the wrong people. Maybe people are pretending not to know the show so that they don't have to spend any extra time at the water cooler in my presence. I'd love to know your thoughts on the show, and the way it was marketed if you have been watching it.

Source: BARB

This film is on in Medway

Medway is not just home of the chav and 'that Dickens bloke'. We also, quite surprisingly, have a budding cineaste society which meets every Thursday at Dockside Odeon.

This Thursday (15th March) The Other Cinema will be showing the recent winner of the Academy's Best Picture award The Artist. While I could tell you how great a film it is, it wouldn't do it any justice because there are plenty more qualified and eloquent people all over the interwebs who can do that for you. What I will do, though, is tell you why it might actually be more your sort of film than you think.

All everyone is talking about is how it's an homage to the golden age of Hollywood. Sure, but it's more than that. Even being something of a 'film person', I can count the number of silent films I've seen on my hands and I didn't feel like I was missing anything from the film.

It's also not something to be a snob about. People seem to have this impression that the film is going to be like poetry in its pretension and impenetrability. What pulled the rug from underneath me was the film's lack of pretension and complete accessibility. You don't have to know the definition of mise-en-scène to laugh at a dog that can pretend to be shot.



There's also a preconception among audiences that because there's no dialogue the film will be somehow boring. I'll admit, I was in the same boat. I made a note to myself to count how many times I looked at my phone during the film and, surprise surprise, my eyes didn't leave the screen from start to finish.
...Okay, that's a massive lie, but it was only twice; and one of those times I could have sworn I heard my phone vibrate.

If you don't go and see this film on Thursday you will seriously be missing out because it is likely to be one of the best films for quite a while and it's unlikely that any TV station will buy the rights to it ten years down the line. It will be a betrayal of your very nature as a student if you don't get down to The Other Cinema and watch a silent, independent film and discuss it over a (FREE!) glass of wine with some film experts.

Look at that smile! If that doesn't win you over, then I give up. Go please yourself with Bad Boys II if you're going to be like that.

'What's it going to be then, eh?'

Hi.

First and foremost, thanks for reading this (unless you didn't make it past "hi". But then again, if you didn't make it past that, you wouldn't be reading this. Ooh paradox). I decided to get a blog mainly for my Journalism course at the University of Kent because I figured it would be helpful for a writing career to, well, write; but also for my own sanity. I'm so full to the brim with opinions I'm practically pissing them; so rather than keep flushing them down the toilet with the rest of my bodily waste I thought I'd kill two birds with one kidney stone and piss my opinions all over the internet where nobody will read them.

Enough about piss. This blog will probably be a neurotic (the only thing separating me and Larry David is an inch of foreskin), cynical, angsty take on film, TV and business. You might even get a dose of current affairs.

I hope you like it, but I'm really not expecting much.

Curb your enthusiasm...here's my blog.