Before I start, I want to make one thing clear: I am not doing this to be controversial or to express my individuality by going against popular opinion. I'm doing this because I want Samuel L. Jackson to give me a follower boost on Twitter.
The first justification for my vitriol directed at Joss Whedon's abomination is the narrative-less hour and a half in the film where the superheroes take time out from figuring out what to do with the bad guy and turn their powers and giant egos to each other; allowing fans of the respective comics to share a duologue of:
"Superhero A totally kicked Superhero B's ass!"
"No way! Superhero B kicked Superhero A's ass!"
Ad infinitum.
It was to be expected. What wasn't expected was that the rest of the script would be fleshed out with something equally as shit. I thought the superhero movie audience would be split into a dichotomy of geeks who like comic books and knuckleheads who like explosions and tits. The bare bones of the narrative outside of the inter-quibbles seemed to cater only for the second group who can only understand a plot that centres around a MacGuffin.
This would be fine if the fleshy part of the narrative was any less vapid. Nothing was achieved in the dialogue between the heroes. Nothing was gained from Hulk and Thor flexing their muscles. Effectively, nothing happened. I'm not asking for a Dark Knight high-concept flick with Nietzsche references or what-have-you. I just wanted something a little more introverted and ambitious than two brands from the same company having a 'world-shattering' fight-to-end-all-fights only to finally settle upon a conclusion that they're both equally fab and groovy.
Joss also, somehow, managed to bring Scarlett Johannson on board with a script that presumably read:
"Black Widow, wearing lycra, looks at Hawkeye while wearing lycra. Wearing lycra, she cries and leaves the room still wearing lycra."
To have such a great acting talent in the cast and to put her in a role that Jodie Marsh could play is shameful.
The only thing that gets you through this mish-mash of vapidity and bravado is the fact that Joss has written some brilliantly funny dialogue for you to put up with 10 minute CGI set-pieces for.
Which leads me onto my final gripe: the firework display. November 5th is always shit because fireworks are shit. They're just pretty colours that are there. They do nothing. People, and more importantly marketers, caught onto this idea that fireworks have lost the power to amaze, so they made them electronically and put them in films. In 100 years time, screen-fireworks will too be shite and everybody will be playing with fireworks that you can virtually put up your arse or some shit.
What people never have - and never will - get tired of is a good, old-fashioned story. The ways we can tell a story have gotten varied and, arguably, better throughout time; but there's always a story. Fireworks don't have stories, they're just colours.
On this theory, CGI should complement the story, not be the story. I honestly can't say The Avengers wouldn't have been an entirely better film and wouldn't have left me half as bitter if it lopped off the 20 minute CGI New Yawn destruction sequence at the end and let me go home early with Robert Downey Jr,'s lines fresh in my mind.
I know I will be disagreed with by most, but I posit that time will vindicate me when this forgettable film is forgotten. Maybe I am just a pretentious blogger writing away my angst years behind a computer, but I can enjoy a good blockbuster just like the next guy- this, sadly, wasn't a good blockbuster.
